Quantum Leap

It would be nice to sit here and have brilliant thoughts and geniusly constructed sentences pour from my brain and out my fingertips to produce a masterpiece. Instead, I find myself gripped with fear at the thought of what this means...what pushing this little button may actually mean. It means a harsh reality of critiques who know their stuff and have every right to judge. It means being exposed, and vulnerable, and every other adjective I so very wish weren't as applicable as they are. It means my thoughts aren't only mine..Now they belong to millions of other people. The scariest thought of all may be "what if people don't want these thoughts?" The very essence of me that I am pathetically struggling to share may meet cold, hard rejection. In the world of lipgloss and boys and basketball games, this wouldn't be such a big deal. In the world of a sixteen-year-old girl, it could all be misconstrued as mundane. Sometimes, though, I doubt that I even belong to those worlds, and at others, it's all too clear. Life affords so many oppertunities, and just as many disappointments. I suppose it's a matter of faith. A faith that's not always clearly defined or strong as it ought to be. At times, this very same state of constant questioning is the only thing that remains definite. What do I want out of this blog? Quite possibly the same things I want out of life. Answers. Truth. Acceptance. Simplicity. An escape from the chaos that greets me when I walk out the door, from the pandemonium of a classroom full of ignorant peers, and from the secret, dire hope that I could join their masses and my resentment would dissipate.

All this time I stare out at a world of clones
Yet cannot but hate myself for not being one of them
Frivolous trenches of inadequate splendor suspend
The realm of these plastic people in silent mayhem

When I click "Publish Post", I will set into motion a story..The story of me. I can only initiate what I am sure has the potential to be a brutal process, because the rest is determined by its reception in the world of fellow writers. I begin the story, and somebody else will finish it. Let us hope my fear will be overcome, and I will be all the better for it. Let us hope.